Thursday, 17 October 2013

Could I live on a bus?

Yes, that it the question of the day. Hi internets, how are you? All good I hope. I write to you this morning with Dave Brubeck playing in my ear and with sleep still in my eyes having overslept and arriving half an hour late for work.
So yes, the question of the day (or of this post really) is: could I live on a bus? Let me fill you in... You might want to grab a coffee and get comfortable.
I want to start off by saying that I love living in London. I love London itself! It's a beautiful city; not all cars and smog and busy tourist areas like a lot of people think it to be. It's green and grand, and full of great parks and markets and places to visit and things to see. It's diverse and brimming with different nationalities and personalities, a big melting pot of life. There are, of course, darker sides to London which I could delve into, but I won't.
So yes, London is wonderful, but it's also very draining. I very much absorb and consume the environment around me, and for someone who hails from the almost-countryside; city life can prove to be quite fatiguing. I know you'll all know what I mean when I say that travelling on the underground can turn even the calmest person into the Incredible Hulk. It brings out a self-centred side to people that I'm sure we wouldn't even know existed were it not for public transport. People pushing, shoving, stealing seats, standing in the way of people trying to exit the train (I think this is my number 1 pet hate on the train/tube) and the one I think I will never understand, which is steadfastly holding on to the rail when people are trying to depart, lest you should lose your spot. Is it illegal to karate chop people's arms from the pole? If not, I'm totally using that one next time.
Anyway, I digress. Back to the point of this post. My yoga teacher, Mark Freeth, and his wife Anna (is there a more lovely person on the planet? I don't think so...) live in Tunbridge Wells and have recently opened a yoga studio on the High Street (go check it's awesome!) Mark used to live on a groovy bus that he converted years back, which he now uses mostly for weekend breaks. I wish I had a photo so you could see just how groovy it is! It's fully functional with a bedroom, shower, toilet, kitchen, living area; pretty darn cool if you ask me. On my last visit, Anna and I were talking and she made a comment about me moving back to Kent and living on the bus, and then teaching and practicing yoga at the studio. I responded with "Anna, if you honestly said I could live on the bus, I so would" in a half-joking, half-serious kind of way. Anyway, 10 minutes later as I was in the car with my Dad driving back to Tonbridge, Mark texts me to say "come and live on the bus...seriously".
So...could I live on a bus? My initial reaction was "it would be SO.COOL! and so ME." I started to imagine a dreamy life living on the bus with my cat, Bo. Taking everything back to basics, living in the countryside with the fresh air around me, living yoga, living a calmer life, seeing my family more often...but I have a tendency to imagine the very best dream-situation where everything is rosy and happy, and nothing ever goes wrong (and I'm sorry, but life is life, and sometimes things don't go like we planned). A bit like Stepford Wives I guess, but with less robots. It's the hazard of being a dreamer! My thoughts then came back to London. What about swing? What about troupe?! What about my friends, and adventures at my doorstep, and my lovely London life? And it IS lovely, despite the ups and downs. So I spent weeks agonising, thinking, pondering and wondering whether I could upheave myself; and my decision? For now, I'm staying put. In my heart, I don't think I'm done with London yet, and I don't want to move and wish I hadn't done it and be yearning for what I had before. I know, I know, life is an adventure and change is good for the soul, but I'm a firm believer in trusting my instincts and they are currently telling me to stay where I am.

To answer the question: could I live on a bus? Not right now. But some day, maybe I will :)

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

I'm realising that I have little concept of time passing

Hello internets! How the devil are you? It appears to have been eight months since I wrote on this blog and in all honesty, I completely forgot it existed, such is the passing of time, and life. And wow, haven't things changed a whole heap.
Where to start? Work wise, I began temping for a company near Regent Street in October/November time last year and I am now a permanent member of staff. Yep! All that talk of the freedom of temping, but actually, I had a spate of illness over Christmas and being ill & off work = no pay, which = no rent... As beautiful and freeing as temping was, security had to come first. But thankfully, I like the company, my colleagues are lovely and treat each other respectfully, and even better, I get to teach yoga every week!
My love life is non-existent but I'm currently navigating my way through dating websites and you know the old saying, it'll come along when you least expect it... I'm not sure I have the capacity for a relationship at the moment; I'll come back to that shortly.
About two months ago, I adopted a sweet little cat called Bo. Here's a photo of the little beauty:
He's such a sweetheart; he's really affectionate and playful, and he adores having attention heaped on him in spades. It's really lovely having a pet in the flat; like having family to come home to. (Cat Lady probably springs to mind right about now)
Now onto swing and yoga... My big passions in life. Honestly, since 2013 started, I've been feeling very up and down and can't seem to muster the enthusiasm and energy to do either with any passion... and here's what's really happening with me this year. Depression.
As is common with depression, I've been trying to fight the feelings (a useless task) and pretend that it hasn't returned, but I had a therapy appointment yesterday and The Lady confirmed that I'm depressed again. This time though, I feel totally hopeful and optimistic about it, because firstly, I've taken the right step in getting help for it and secondly, I know that the way depression makes me feel isn't REAL. Depression is a big fat liar, but a liar that needs dealing with. So yes, I may sit feeling low, anxious, and sometimes like I want to cry, but I can deal with those symptoms, because I'm taking steps to deal with the cause.
In the appointment yesterday whilst discussing my symptoms over the past few years, I felt a little silly, because for about 18 months, I'd been feeling happy and joyous and more positive about things, and in that joy, I thought that the depression was fought and beaten! Smug probably sums up how I felt. HA! Goodbye depression, I've beaten you and you can NEVER return! How wrong I was... Now what I feel is humble; humble that it has returned and that it has taught me to never feel smug again. Now I want to accept it and work with it.
So that is me, right now, in a nutshell. Do I want to feel depressed? Of course not. I want to enjoy life, feel joy, and feel my passion return for the things I love. And they'll just take time and patience. Some people feel really uncomfortable discussing mental health issues because they're invisible to the naked eye and somehow intangible. Physical pain is easier to deal with than mental pain, and yes, maybe I'll wish I'd never put it out there on the internets for all to read, but if my experience reaches out to just one other person, then I can't ask for more.