Wednesday, 1 May 2013

I'm realising that I have little concept of time passing

Hello internets! How the devil are you? It appears to have been eight months since I wrote on this blog and in all honesty, I completely forgot it existed, such is the passing of time, and life. And wow, haven't things changed a whole heap.
Where to start? Work wise, I began temping for a company near Regent Street in October/November time last year and I am now a permanent member of staff. Yep! All that talk of the freedom of temping, but actually, I had a spate of illness over Christmas and being ill & off work = no pay, which = no rent... As beautiful and freeing as temping was, security had to come first. But thankfully, I like the company, my colleagues are lovely and treat each other respectfully, and even better, I get to teach yoga every week!
My love life is non-existent but I'm currently navigating my way through dating websites and you know the old saying, it'll come along when you least expect it... I'm not sure I have the capacity for a relationship at the moment; I'll come back to that shortly.
About two months ago, I adopted a sweet little cat called Bo. Here's a photo of the little beauty:
He's such a sweetheart; he's really affectionate and playful, and he adores having attention heaped on him in spades. It's really lovely having a pet in the flat; like having family to come home to. (Cat Lady probably springs to mind right about now)
Now onto swing and yoga... My big passions in life. Honestly, since 2013 started, I've been feeling very up and down and can't seem to muster the enthusiasm and energy to do either with any passion... and here's what's really happening with me this year. Depression.
As is common with depression, I've been trying to fight the feelings (a useless task) and pretend that it hasn't returned, but I had a therapy appointment yesterday and The Lady confirmed that I'm depressed again. This time though, I feel totally hopeful and optimistic about it, because firstly, I've taken the right step in getting help for it and secondly, I know that the way depression makes me feel isn't REAL. Depression is a big fat liar, but a liar that needs dealing with. So yes, I may sit feeling low, anxious, and sometimes like I want to cry, but I can deal with those symptoms, because I'm taking steps to deal with the cause.
In the appointment yesterday whilst discussing my symptoms over the past few years, I felt a little silly, because for about 18 months, I'd been feeling happy and joyous and more positive about things, and in that joy, I thought that the depression was fought and beaten! Smug probably sums up how I felt. HA! Goodbye depression, I've beaten you and you can NEVER return! How wrong I was... Now what I feel is humble; humble that it has returned and that it has taught me to never feel smug again. Now I want to accept it and work with it.
So that is me, right now, in a nutshell. Do I want to feel depressed? Of course not. I want to enjoy life, feel joy, and feel my passion return for the things I love. And they'll just take time and patience. Some people feel really uncomfortable discussing mental health issues because they're invisible to the naked eye and somehow intangible. Physical pain is easier to deal with than mental pain, and yes, maybe I'll wish I'd never put it out there on the internets for all to read, but if my experience reaches out to just one other person, then I can't ask for more.