This is going to be quite a self-reflective post today but I think it's important to reflect on our lives and wellbeing and mental health from time to time, especially when major life events take place.
Robbie and I split up fairly recently - I'd say about 6 weeks or so ago. Of course when these things happen, you go through different emotions and look back on the relationship, on your part in it and consider whether things could have been different. It's a well known fact that women are particularly prone to this in comparison to men. I have had the odd reflective period where I consider who Robbie and I were as a couple and who I was in the relationship and I have come to the conclusion that when I'm with someone, I forget who I am, I forget the things that I like and don't like and I don't always stand up for myself -- I don't mean that to sound as if Robbie was bullying me, he would never do that, I mean in the silly moments like when you want to go to the cinema and he doesn't, or when you don't want to buy orange juice from concentrate (because let's face it, it tastes awful!) but he does. I give my all to the other person, I'm incredibly loyal and I would do anything for them.
It's like that line in Eat Pray Love, and I'm paraphrasing here because I can't find it in the book to quote it fully but "if I'm with you, you can have all of me". Am I allowed to quote or paraphrase in my blog? I'm not quite sure on the laws of these things. Oh hang on!! I found it!!
"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."
That is me. Apart from the becoming infatuated with someone else because I've never been one for moving straight from one man to another. Anyhow, a thought occurred to me earlier: to stop forgetting who you are in a relationship, should you be in one to learn that lesson or should you discover your strength first before you let someone in? I think the latter but it would be interesting to be with someone and grow like that, to learn to remember yourself.
I consider myself to be a work in progress, I know I have a lot of work to do when it comes to self esteem and other things but I think I need to learn to love myself before I love someone else. I may well be single for a loooong time but I'm prepared to wait!! In the meantime, I'm a lucky girl; I have great friends, I meditate, I practice yoga and I live in a great part of London. Always count your blessings :)
Well, that's my 10 cents for the day. I'm off to visit Vicky in Ipswich tomorrow for the long weekend so no doubt we'll be watching to Royal Wedding tomorrow and then we'll have some other stories to report back with. Hope you have a great weekend!!
p.s. I've been listening to Don McLean a lot lately -- Vincent is one of my favourite songs of all time. I suggest you get onto youtube instantly and look for the live recording!!